your advantage left me helplessly into you...

caspiancomplete @ 2005-04-26T01:35:00

2005-04-26T06:39:44Z

"living the drunkards dream"
right?
from a bar room stool
to a fake wood table top.
the smell of cigarettes and girls scent.
on the fingertips.
june started sometime early.
and all i could dream was a black top yellow line.
the broken insects on the windsheild
a horrible song in the stereo.
once i lived.
and today
i did again.
year long
i taste your taste on my lips
and in the back of my throat
and brain.

caspiancomplete @ 2004-11-30T01:08:00

2004-11-30T07:19:38Z

so i glamour
and wonder why im never sober for these facts
as i bask at the parts
of this fucking bottle
scattered on this shit filled concrete floor
and i wonder what happend to the last seven years
and then it didnt even spark
until i got that note from vegas
promising that my words meant more to her
well they dont mean shit to me
i can soak up my summers
i can love those day scares
i can remember those squinted eyes
i dont need the pat on my back
its not hard to choke on those days
especially the videotape
a fucking map party
well i have arms for that
and the glass proved it
so doctor
we drove past the milwaukee pass
and i felt four years.
what do you think i should do?

caspiancomplete @ 2004-07-14T00:12:00

2004-07-14T05:35:25Z

sleeping in the same bed
where me and a ghost fought our last words
and danced our last stand
holds a different type of cold to it now.
and even if those walls could speak
they wouldnt have the capacity
to recall such a fleeting flight for two.
it was just 24 flashes of hot sheets
and melted ice soaking the bad carpeting.
with classic classics in the speakers.
and for one time a sunset and sunrise were felt
just a little differently.
and then it was done.
deliberatly, the ghost had won.
and i returned home again.
but hands cant stay empty forever
and even waiting hearts have their own eyes.
so now the shining lights flying over my head
have a new wish tagged to them.
between stars and satellites.
i think you know which one you are now.
the years
how they change.

caspiancomplete @ 2004-07-01T13:39:00

2004-07-01T18:52:53Z

today i caught myself in the mirror.
it was in my eyes and i took a breath.
because in the back of my brain
there is a fantasy eating it away.
built up on perfect smiles and smells
and constructive clothing.
a certain purpose in casual care less.
dirty feet pale bones spotted skin visible scars
and how long have i been living for the wrong
reason.
the stories pour in from up north.
top headings that crack my mouth upward in a corner.
but im not 16 anymore.
im not 18 anymore.
and 21 was a ghost that passed through me
and left its mark on my organs.
so when i see its sign chime on,
even the most memorable hook of every reminder
cant block the ringing from my ears.
a window to scream out of
with july sun painting my eyelids shut.
and bright blue breezes collapsing my lungs.
and it was then
and on days just like this.
but those windows dont exist
anymore.

caspiancomplete @ 2004-06-28T04:01:00

2004-06-28T09:07:07Z

i shouldve evened my numbers when i could.
in every opprotunity.
its just not thought of hard enough.
while weeks ago,
he ran the glass across my neck.
and i think we both wished
for my windpipe
to open up.
for the waterways to empty onto my shirt
and onto the floor.
a few laughs and me choking.
the end.

caspiancomplete @ 2004-06-20T03:49:00

2004-06-20T08:59:58Z

every day meant
a subtle touch for soul
i felt it in my throat
when i spat out songs i hoped i had forgotten.
feelings for an ancient song.
and then mirrors hold squints for eyes.
and they rip out previous likely mistakes just like enemies.
they are...
traveling mexico for small gifts and net beds.
i remember it in my chest.
there is a few.
and what is dead could kill me finally.
oxygen cant be remembered.
just like it cant be withheld.
rumors and meteors.
nestle here for heat.
the words worked fine.
im in the wrong place at the right time.
lost but not listening.
i never knew it.

caspiancomplete @ 2004-06-13T03:06:00

2004-06-13T08:14:19Z

i saw the waves of an ocean of mistakes
beating against the rocks of my flesh.
i felt the breath of a fruitful word..
a complementary heart..
a single solitary comforting word.
i saw a years worth die in an instant.
and in a ride to the door it couldve cost it all.
a little too much for time
but my skin is screaming for a second chance.
this pile of hopeless molecules.
it aches for the correct answer to a problem brought on by eyes and nods.
the bottle choked the words from your neck.
just late enough for them to be said.
its not that i cant feel it.
its just that i wish i could.
a chosen stance too late.
i wish to spend the cold mornings pulling hairs from my throat,
and still ignorant of your real way.
a fistfull of scalp
just to impress a scent.
what do i do.

caspiancomplete @ 2004-02-22T02:21:00

2004-02-22T08:30:10Z

there are words that are just too good for this label of irony.
and as he spit it he says:
"he heard about your wedding day"
with freckles on your back as the moon traced out constelations...
and i could never forget the dimlit skylight
the sorry lit eyes.
over drinks and over board.
there is a day that is ever changing
and im stapled to the forever feeling
that every passing time that was formally claimed.
is just another open season.
for loss.
or for finding the truest heart.
or for finally being strong.
its just another phrase in a playbook.
everything comes to pass and i missed the start.
it just turns out to be
another instant as a constant metaphor.
once, i believed.
that summer made me love everything.

caspiancomplete @ 2003-12-17T02:16:00

2003-12-17T08:16:19Z

at a loss in the eyes like a maze.
breaking my own legs at the knee is not a means of escape.
constructed perfection by perfect hands.
guided to these tired arms.
this is the proof.
this is the inspiration.
to cut open my throat and remove this blockade.
as the fears of this world fade.
into meaningless definition.
i feel this fire speak for me.
revealing the exact matches of the embrace.
and i could drown in this forever.
this awe inspiring existance.
helplessly falling to the floor.
with hands to the air and grateful.
in honor of your name.
because, our hearts dont beat as one just by chance. so this, my proposition.
to love for a lifetime.
until the glory of the home coming.
you are the proof.
you are the inpiration.
to trust to feel this way
forever.

caspiancomplete @ 2003-12-15T03:38:00

2003-12-15T09:53:18Z

i used to fuck flesh like this.
that called so helplessly
in a white basement
in a burned mouth.
in a dream that never decided to cease.
until it came true.
and in its frail light
when i dont know how to touch you...
i saw it when it could have died.
the best seat in the house.
to lay myself into the arms
of the concrete walls and distant floors
with nothing heard internal.
and im at the low of the stomach
waiting for a heartbeat or breath or anything.
this october still chills me full of being caring and fearful.
and im a fucking sucker for farewells and the such.
but if this was any worse.
i would look to the comfort i could have felt.
home, i have never changed.
this adorable little death
wrapped in the less than perfect smile
what is left to want.
in those words.
the feeling of forever.
it speaks here for the end of it all.
and i was never perfect.
dreams made me think on terms of the otherwise.
i will speak in forevers name.
to never speak for it again.
i just want you so bad.
apology.

headboard sounds

2003-12-07T20:16:44Z

here are the best dinner table smiles
to fight off our own thoughts.
and with hints of wine,
i can recall the smell of july sweat and scandals
and rainwater tracing down the windows
bearing old song titles on the radio.
there was a time and a place
and we never chose the right ones
with my hand on your belt
and my fingers down the front
into the hair, to take your breath away.
it was so fashionable to call it love.
the hot sheets meant a death for every summer
and these soaked clothes are all we have left.
to prove we were ever there.
so tonight i raise my glass
as we laugh for old times sake
staring into the eyes
by the memories of naked and nothing
screaming at the pleasure
with my hands over your mouth and headboard sounds.
we were just kids confused.
i mailed your letters to hell.

caspiancomplete @ 2003-10-23T14:36:00

2003-10-23T19:41:24Z

i think,
when i used to make
suicide a fantasy
i was more interesting.
all the way back then.
back when
they were just a pair of open legs.
and all my friends
werent just another whistling enemy
kicking a rock down a damp heated street.
it was just under the streetlights
that seperated our homes.
so lets discuss seperation
some other time.
and as for now
its these potential broken bottles
and freshly cut palms.

caspiancomplete @ 2003-10-15T13:02:00

2003-10-15T18:05:59Z

old women walk weary and slower
in the months after their husbands die.
they still wake before the sun
and prepare meals for an empty tablesetting.
and to all the passerbys passing by,
they dont look up, they just mummble hi.
to continue the yard work in front of their...
...her dream-home.
nothing more than a nightmare, now completed alone.
trying to keep their elder will and strength.
at times, i wonder if they imagine a breathing
comfortability sleeping next to them at night.
what is it like to close your eyes and pray to
be with him once again.
past the treasures of oxygen and molecules.
ive never experienced this kind of devotion.
to be turned helpless and hopeless.
so, to the darling gray hairs.
worn hands touching a withered hope.
i hope to be a dead husband some day.

caspiancomplete @ 2003-08-25T02:44:00

2003-08-25T07:45:34Z

with those however beautiful words
your sight has amazing tagged to it
and thankfully not california
so i guess im dreaming with my eyes open
to the thought of the sound
of you clanking clumsy and drunken
against the security window
just so i will go to the back
and start feeling loved.
or wanted.
i start to feel you in my face
oddly enough.

caspiancomplete @ 2003-08-17T23:44:00

2003-08-18T04:48:57Z

these conversations live
like cold coffee
they are left set
and refilled as its needed.
you know
i watch you when you dont know.
the smallest parts of your body
that even you dont think about.
filthy feet and too much of a visible naval line.
its pink under your coverings
and i am at your undying will.
to do whatever your hardest heart desires.
its as you wish.
and i spent my last days
asleep in your new home and new bed
smelling of alcohol and old clothes
and i really didnt realize.
that everytime i took a breath.
i was grateful it was where you would
share it as well.
my darling dearest, even if you dont feel it.
im am saying goodbye to saying goodbye
because your farewell kills me all in all.
one day come home
for good.

sorry for the sounds

2003-07-21T20:30:51Z

i shot myself
but i did not die
so i hit my chest hard
choking back on the air
still consuming the last breathy
goodbye
on the phonecall
with alcohol in my taste
you wouldnt know though
would you.
so here is my bidding
when i wrap the telephone cord
around my neck
and jump off the top floor.
whispering to the fairest sunshine of my days
it would be so nice to see you caught dead
since you wouldnt be caught dead
ever with me

caspiancomplete @ 2003-06-12T02:24:00

2003-06-12T07:31:10Z

hey there shirley temple smiles
im getting myself caught up in nets
in the white meets black of your monochromes
or maybe it was the just right night.
the radio
radio
radio hits
in order to taste three whole years in three half hours.
so go ahead and tell me about magicians and future fortune tellers.
like finishing the same lines at the same time.
and youve really got me now in stitches and dark skinned
same red faced with the biggest fucking question mark
sewn to the backs of my eyelids.
michigan was cold.

caspiancomplete @ 2003-06-09T01:30:00

2003-06-09T06:38:36Z

bright red birds flew through just after the pour.
in my mothers garden.
singing songs with faint sound and thunder in space and time
and the clothesline beat white into the sun breaking sky.
and if the wind blows hard enough again
it may break this neck back once more in a rainwater mist from the leaves of trees older than me.
but young enough to stay care free.
and actually mean it.
so hear what they sing.
humming
the cardinal is definitly dying tonight.

caspiancomplete @ 2003-05-18T14:43:00

2003-05-18T19:46:33Z

i remember eleven thirties
meeting her at my back door
her diner waitress scents
in the brutal january air
and she always said sorry for it
but it never bothered me...i never cared.
mostly, it was cherry cokes with extra cherries
and one too many smokes
whenever i found my way up there
just to see her tell me
she was just too busy to see me.
so it was jukebox 50's gold if i had the quaters
or crane machines to win her a prize
until we had the night.
so i still, sometimes, dream about the phonecall
to let me know she was almost at my door
in the january air eleven thirties
and she would always say "im sorry, i smell like work"
but i never cared..i swear..
it never bothered me.
so hello kiss, and lets get down to business
singing "somewhere...beyond the sea.." in the back of my mind
(where she still stays today)

caspiancomplete @ 2003-05-06T14:23:00

2003-05-06T19:46:37Z

good evening sweet ghost
its been quite some time for truth and memory
and the too close smells and touches
but now..i see you! i swear i see you!
caught just behind every eyelid or bedroom door
and during the rainwater splash season
were the sixty two days straight
that our hearts grew a bit hard
but even these deserted island nights get cold
when theyre graced with the beautiful fear of getting old
so be sure to remember every now and then
why i fell out and comfortably cried into the arms of this ghost again
hell, you knew that keeping the dying from being dead
was the only love i ever knew.....

your song number four..

2003-04-07T19:38:48Z

i woke feeling sick this morning
i could feel it burning at the back of my throat.
and its most likely the lack of my alcohol..
i raised like the dead to miss out on what i had
this streaming afternoon (or in life...)
so i slumped back and sighed and...
i knew it was a little late for snow this time of year
but it didnt care..and fell as it would
i tried to concentrate on the sound as it was brushing in blowing wind against my bedroom window...
and i wanted it to sing me to sleep and it failed miserably...
so i rememberd how i used to listen to your record when i wanted to think about how everything changed.
how everyone had moved on and gotten a little better in their hearts
and got sick with forgetting forgiveness and forget me nots..
i thought about how all of them would hold the shovels at the funeral for this friend...
and yes..i thought about how i missed your sister
again, and...
i remembered walking wild in the streets and that at one point...none of us cared...
then points changed foward for the worst or best
they just havent decided yet..
i used to cry and think about suicide more often than not..
and you would sit there and calmly tell me to relax..
you said "it will all be better soon"..
and for some reason...
i never believed you.
im sorry.

caspiancomplete @ 2003-04-07T00:24:00

2003-04-07T06:02:51Z

so there was something about the sunshine
and its just quite possible..
that its in the way it changes the brightness of your eyes and the curve of your smile..
and the way that we love goodbyes...for miles and miles
and it comes across soft and subtle like a crook
like this browned and dried apple core posed and seemingly sullen under light from the basement window..
it stares down on me...
perched on the top of one of last weeks empty beers..
it waits and it calls and it hopes, im sure
it wonders why its end is so drawn out like we were
and i think i miss it more under the streetlights with the things we said..
by the time when we couldnt tell if it was nightime or morning again..
but as long as you were there...
i swear...

[ i never rhyme...why start now ]

2003-04-01T20:56:05Z

spring and bloom with scent
and a show in itself in your dance through my backyard fence.
i imagined the look in a stormy kiss.
i imagined it all with bright white fists.
the rain filling up our eyes that stray down in map-like traces.
it keeps our hair sticking drenched covering our faces.
a soaking lock of mouths and hands.
and a little playful laugh as you pulled back.
you tried to track me down through the woods near your childhood home.
so im hoping you wont find me pathetic...hiding under water alone.
because you know we require space or air..and a second to sixth chance.
so you graced yourself and fell again for the pounding in my chest.
(i cant take in water like this any longer..)
i surface strategically to breathe but face your face instead.
and in the last escaping second, i said farewell to the back of my fucking head.
because i wont forget this and one more time, i warmly welcome you in.
holding just enough, the cooler snow eyes and ice colored skin.
with springtime blood reds and adorable baby blues.
that splash in after-storm puddles with my darker day afternoons.
and as the next morning sun saw you walk faster away.
spring, please push me around and backwards..closer and back to.
you.

caspiancomplete @ 2003-03-28T12:48:00

2003-03-28T19:09:45Z

heavy headed from alcohol
i stared at my ceiling this morning trying to recall
the music that faded out
that used to soundtrack the days that blended one into the next..
and i could barly move..
i heard rain gently beating my window..and i knew i wasnt leaving...so i just...
thought
..we walked in the park last night
stumbling across the graves of so many memories we left there.
so many living corpses of kids in love, that we used to be..
yes, we were just kids back then.
we werent ready for any of it, any of the unavoidable let down...
at 3am with bottles in hands we tripped and fell onto a dirt patch extended with weeds and new born grasshoppers...
there used to be a spot here, where we sat in early july
and i remember watching the letters of your name carved in the ground just before the fireworks show...
then, under a sheet of fireflies and blowing breezes, i made my way through the grass..at the end of summer..and it was still there..as good as its beginning
i thought it may just stay that way forever..
too bad we didnt...
and this morning, im humming our favorite song...and recalling...
as i was walking like i had broken legs back up the gravel path..
i could almost feel us holding hands...